Connor Coyne

The insult burned so bad he had to have a whole bowl of soup to soothe his flayed tongue. His victim, on the other hand, had to cover himself in aloe vera. It was a pretty sore day for both of them, and their friendship never fully recovered.

When King Midas announced his intention to run for the Republican Presidential nomination everyone assumed it was a publicity stunt. After all, he had a variety of products, venues, and enterprises, and the grand sum of everything considered together was somewhere close to breaking even. That’s why Midas coveted gold.

He surprised the world twice.

He surprised them first when he accepted the challenge and won the nomination and, incredibly, won the actual election.

He also surprised them the very next day, when he developed the remarkable power to transform anything he touched into gold. But since this is the world we live in and not a Greek myth, we know that everything is connected by a tight web of matter and energy, light and dark. And so, in less than a blink, a second, and without recognition, the whole universe turned to gold. It was an unexpected end to an extraordinary couple billion years.

A bomb went off.

That’s okay. It was just a P-Funk album.

Everyone wiped the sweat off their brows and proceeded to get down.

It was a good night.

The writer became increasingly stressed out. Mephistopholes was standing in the corner and he knew that he was two minutes away from getting another soul on his ledger.

Catholic Roulette.